Fucking shit why is that every time I try write on my tumblr I start balling…
It’s come to the point where I don’t know what my life is anymore. I don’t know what I want. Who my friends are. If I even have friends. Who’s just there… I’ve just felt so alone and i don’t know why. I can be in a group of people and still feel like I’m all alone. And I dont know why… I’ve just become so insecure about every aspect of myself that I can’t even handle it anymore… I’ve made myself fear and worry about everything instead of not caring what others think and to just be positive…
And I fucking hate myself for it because I let myself feel like shit. And I don’t know how to stop myself from feeling that way.
It has also reached to the point where ive contemplated things that I shouldn’t even be thinking of. And it scares me. It’s scares me that I’ve let myself get to this point where I’m just not happy. I’ve put myself in a place where I can be having a good time to feeling like shit and faking my appearance. And I don’t know why. I just hate myself for all of this…
its been about 2 and a half weeks since i lost one of my best friends… again… when i lost my dad four and a half years ago, i never thought i would go through that same pain and sorrow so soon, or even again for that matter… nothing in the world hurts more than losing someone so close to you. nothing compares to what it feels like to lose someone you saw on a regular basis and shared countless memories with.
Dad, its been about four and a half years since ive seen you but i know where you are. theres never been a day where you dont cross my mind. all these years ive been trying so hard to keep strong for mom, but sometimes i cant do it and i just have to cry. i miss you. but i just want you to know that im okay. we’re okay. its been almost 5 years and im still struggling to fully accept that youre gone and why youre gone. but im getting there and one day ill eventually fully understand. i also just wanted to say, thank you. thank you for being an amazing father for the 14 years i was able to be with you. thank you for always being there and looking out for our whole family. thank you for always making my days a little brighter with your cheesy jokes. thank you. thank you for never giving up. i love you. rest in paradise.
Joanna, my An-jo. its been about 2 and a half weeks since we lost you and about a month since i last saw your smile. its hard to accept that we’ve lost you and that we’ll never see each other again until our time has come. its hard to understand why we’ve lost you. none of this makes sense. i keep replaying the last month in my head to try and understand what happened but i cant. it just doesnt make sense. but i guess thats the way life is. nothing is supposed to make sense right away. i know that God has a plan for us all and i guess this is what he planned. i may not understand it now but one day, it should all make sense. ive been told that God only takes us once we’re perfect. clearly He saw that you were perfect and wanted you. An-jo, i just want you to know that i love you. you became like a sister to me in the 5 short years that we’ve known each other even though it feels like we’ve known each other for longer. you were one of my best friends. we share so many memories that ill always treasure and continue to laugh about because we’re just two of the oddest people with the oddest brains. Thank you. thank you for being my friend and sister. thank you for bringing so much light into my life with your smile and unique personality. thank you for sharing your talents with us. thank you for accepting me as i am. thank you. thank you for being there. i love you. rest easy girl.
